Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be large. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're building them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally out of place. Made by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A three-ground Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")

And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let's have One more place in which American Adult males can use robes and call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Every person a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often smooth ability," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock demands less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he should really end utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested concerning the task, replied, "You know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."

Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from Area, a characteristic remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, categorised.

Environmental teams Trump Tower Damascus have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It really is not only ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Capabilities

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium in which guests may ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Community Syrians are Not sure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"

The advertisement marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% stated "where by's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The undertaking is currently attracting attention from Worldwide buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also include things like:

A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD might have switch-down services."

A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies counsel:

China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Ultimate Ideas within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."